“To be a Goofy Goober, or not to be, that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. To die — to sleep, no more;” This line opens off William Shakesquare’s legendary play, Hamlet me out of this flesh prison please I can’t take this anymore. This question that Shakesquare poses to us has troubled the minds of countless creatures, both mammalian and fish alike. I too have been pondering this question for far longer than any person should, and yet, I am left wondering where in life I went wrong to be pondering this question. It is one that borders on the philosophical, it leads into the purpose of this specific article.
Every generation has their own philosophers that alter the entire way that we view the world around us. Socrates, Lao Tzu, Albert Camus and Karl Marx’s ideas are still felt to this day. Discussions have been made regarding who this generation’s world-altering philosopher is. I’m going to throw my hat into the ring to nominate Ice Spice. The Bronx-born rapper has been someone who has occupied spots on the charts for years ever since she blew up with “Munch.” I mean, she even featured on a song by Taylor Swift. And yet, during her short career so far, she decided to pose us the most thought-provoking line possible.
“SpongeBob big guy pants ok”
As Ice Spice details the daily routines that fishosophers go through, such as stretching and daily affirmations about being the big catch, we are transported into the world of Bikini Bottom, becoming voyeurs to daily life under the sea. While actively taking a shot at a defenseless pufferfish, Ice Spice also gives us an idea of what emotions the titular sponge is feeling upon being allowed to ride a roller coaster in the best way possible: by technicality. To quote Jeff Ihaza’s review of the song, there is a “wholesomeness of a Bronx drill Cocomelon” that Ice Spice so gently touches the song with, much in the same way that a Michelin-starred chef will adorn literal bites of food with microgreens for the aesthetical presentation without a care for the other elements of the “dish” that make people willingly spend hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on the bite itself. Literally seconds after dragging Miss Puff through the mud like she was attached to the back of the boat SpongeBob was getting lessons in, she makes another dig at a staple of the Bikini Bottomian diet, the Chum Bucket’s titular dish.
The visual connotations of this song also follow the same story from Shakesquare. From what I could glean from the music video and the advertisements for the film that haunt me like King Hamlet did to Elsinore, here is what I could find. The ghost of the former king tells the prince that he was murdered, and that drives Hamlet to gain revenge on his fathers killer. The Flying Dutchman is plagued with immortality, and as such, he wants to be freed from his curse. He needs the most innocent soul to do so, and that ends up being SpongeBob. This story won’t be nearly as tragic as the Shakesquare play — it is Nickelodeon after all — but the plan poised to end this curse will not go according to plan. There is only so much that I can speculate about this film, as it releases later this month. But I know I am cooking on something. Inevitably, this theory I have will be proven right, or I am a fish with an orange afro calling for security at an underwater theme park.
Oh who the fuck am I even kidding. Stephen Hillenburg is actively rolling over in his grave because of this song and the film it’s a part of. I would say make it a drinking game whenever any of the words “SpongeBob big guy pants ok” are said, but then that would make me liable for catastrophic liver failure that the world has yet to be exposed to on any scale. Someone please take my computer away and let me act out the title of the aforementioned William Shakesquare play and free me from this flesh prison and the punishment we call reality.
