Well, if there were some ancient, conniving demon residing within me who could conjure up an infinite amount of Dopethrone CDs for me to give out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween, I think that’d be pretty neat. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. 

I only have one Dopethrone CD in my possession, and its doom metal mastery will not be leaving my possession for the happiness of a single trick-or-treater, though I do weigh the fact that this trick-or-treater’s life would surely be changed for the better with this treat — a treat better than a Hershey’s bar or Reese’s cup in all facets. 

Yes, what a treat Electric Wizard’s 2006 album, Dopethrone, is! And in my opinion, the greatest treat within this treat is the nine-minute sludgefest, “Funeralopolis.” I might as well quote my past self to throw my true feelings at you right out of the gate: “Of all the songs on this planet, I believe it is ‘Funeralopolis’ that makes me headbang the absolute hardest. Always feel like I need an ice pack after this shit.” 

I’ll quote my present self, as well: “Of all the songs on this planet, I believe it is ‘Funeralopolis’ that makes me the most excited for Halloween. Always feel like I need some candy corn after this shit.” So toss me some damn candy corn — even though I think it’s on the lower end of the Halloween candy quality spectrum — and allow me to crank up the volume. But do be warned: Ghosts, ghouls and goblins may surround your speakers as this apocalyptic, crushing drone suffocates the nighttime air:

“Funeral planet, dead black asteroid /

Mausoleum, this world is a tomb /

Human zombies, staring blank faces /

No reason to live, dead in the womb /

Funeralopolis /

Planet of the dead /

Funeralopolis /

Planet of the dead.”

So, happy listening. Or dread-filled listening — I suppose that might be more fitting. But have a happy Halloween nonetheless. May “Funeralopolis” be a part of it.